That "V" Word Again

vo-ca-tion.
-noun.
1. a particular occupation, business, or profession; calling.
2. a strong impulse or inclination to follow a particular activity or career.
3. a divine call to God's service or to the Christian life.
4. a function or station in life to which one is called by God: the religious vocation; the vocation of marriage
(definitions from Dictionary.com).

Yes, that word. Again. I can't sleep tonight for whatever reason and this is what's currently on my mind. When I think of vocation, I tend to think of the third definition that is listed there. "a divine call to God's service or to the Christian life." Lots of things have changed in my life in the course of the last four years or so. A change in theology which landed us eventually in the Anglican Church. A change in location when Heather and I moved back to her hometown. And a change in occupation from being in "full-time ministry" to working a regular job. I have to say all of those changes have been for the good. Not necessarily easy changes but definitely good changes. What could be the matter then, one might ask? It's that word . . . vocation. Particularly, Bryan doesn't quite know what he's going to do with his life for God.

Oh, I have some ideas of what that might look like. Let me throw out a few, in no certain order.

A priest. Yes, that could be a possibility. I could pursue orders in the Anglican Church. I love the church, warts and all. Somehow though, I wonder if this is the path for me. There's not a lot about that role that I particularly miss. Preaching was okay but mostly I enjoyed trying to help people with their own transformation. I hated the administrative side of ministry especially as it related to programs. That "p" word almost sends me into convulsions these days.

A social worker. This one I've been giving more thought to. The idea was first raised in a discussion my spiritual director and I were having a few months ago. At first, I dismissed the whole notion. Now, I'm not so sure.

A spiritual director. I believe this must be one of the most fulfilling roles someone can engage in. To partner with them in hearing the Holy Spirit. Practically, this doesn't tend to pay many bills unless it was coupled with a retreat center (which I find very intriguing) or some other similar kind of environment. Then again, perhaps I'd be terrible at this otherwise I wouldn't be writing this post wondering what in the world Bryan is supposed to do with his life!

A _________. You fill in the blank because I have not the slightest idea.

I too wonder, am I thinking about this all wrong? Should my vocation and occupation be the same? They could be but I suppose they wouldn't have to be. Of course, I keep bumping into the practical side of life: earning a solid income for my and Heather's future. That's been the sticking point lately. I work as a contractor for a fortune 500 company. The pay is low. The benefits are almost non-existent and the long-term career opportunities don't look promising either. Yet, it seems like it's the only kind of work I can find. Not too many employers are looking to hire an "ex minister."

So, that's what's on my mind tonight. "Crankin" as Alan would say. In the end, I want my life to matter for God. I guess that's what it really comes down to.

Peace.