Bryan Sherwood

On Depression

I've thought about writing this post for several months.  Since I was diagnosed with depression and started speaking about it publicly, I soon realized that it can become the pink elephant in the room.  Many times people just don't know what to say or how to react to those who are struggling with depression.  Here I give a few thoughts that come from my personal experience.  Perhaps they hold true for others as well.

Depressed people aren't just having a "bad" day. Many people think that someone who says they are depressed means that they're simply having an off day emotionally.  No, that's not it.  Depression doesn't come and go that rapidly.  In the midst of depression, one can hardly get through the day.  Some simply can't find the energy to get out of bed.  Depression is much more serious and long lasting than a typical bad day would be.  It's a serious matter.  For example, did you know that almost 15 million Americans are affected by depression each year?  Here are a few more statistics that may surprise you:

• Of the 30,000 reported suicides in the U.S. each year, depression accounts for over 20,000 deaths.
• Depression is one of the top three workplace problems for employees. 
• Although depression can occur at any age, age 32 is the median age of onset. 
• Approximately six million elderly people are affected by depression. 
• The number one risk for suicides among youth is untreated depression.   

Depression has been and continues to be a serious illness that should not be ignored.

Depressed people aren't looking for pity. If you're a friend that I trust enough to tell you that I'm in a bad emotional place, the very last thing I'm looking for is pity. Instead, I'd prefer a listening ear. I would wager that churches have numerous people sitting in the church pews who are depressed and who feel quite isolated and alone with their struggle.  Feeling as though you must be alone with depression is perhaps the hardest and most difficult part.

Depression isn't solved with platitudes. If you have a friend or family member who is dealing with depression, please be aware of what you say.  Be careful not to spout off some platitude like "Oh, you're just having a tough week, things will be better next week." Or "Just pray about it more and God will take this away from you" or "We all have bad days." Platitudes aren't helpful. 

Depressed people may appear fairly normal on the "outside." This is one area I know about because I'm quite the expert. I never look shaken at work. I never appear sad in public. I can even laugh and tell a few jokes. I learned to do that a long time ago. Somehow, I believed if I were just to act okay, everything would feel okay. That doesn't really work and you can only keep up the façade for so long. I hit a wall in January of 2007. I could no longer pretend everything was okay. My insides felt like they were going to explode. I had no idea I was depressed or anxious until after doing some Google searches on the Internet one night.  All the while, I appeared fairly normal to those around me.

Depression strikes many people, including Christians. It seems that many in the Church incorrectly believe that if a person is REALLY a Christian, they won't struggle with depression or other forms of mental illness. After all, the old has gone and the new has come, right? As I mentioned before, many Christians are depressed and the very last thing they need communicated to them is that they're somehow second rate Christians. That very idea makes me want to become violent. Trust me, I will hit you with my Bible if you say such a thing. 

Don't expect quick fixes. I know in my case, it's not been a quick fix. Therapy helps. Friends help. Medication helps. Prayer certainly helps. BUT, that doesn't mean that I'll feel great in a few months and never have any more struggles with depression or anxiety. That's not too likely. At the very best, I'll probably always have "tender" places in my soul that will send all kinds of emotions rolling up when I encounter certain situations.

So, there ya go.  A few thoughts on depression that you may find helpful.  If you find yourself with a friend or family member struggling with major depressive disorder, don't be hesitant to ask how they are getting along.  It's nice to know someone else cares.

Pax.

How Can I Keep From Singing Your Praise

This song has come to mean a lot to me recently. The days when I feel pretty "down", it helps to listen to this old hymn from the 1800s. It's got a lot of great reminders in it I need to hear. I particularly like these lyrics:

. . . And though the storms may come
I am holding on
To the rock I cling . . .

. . . I will lift my eyes
In the darkest night
For I know my Savior lives . . .

. . . And I will walk with You
Knowing You'll see me through
And sing the songs You give . . .

Take a listen and I think you'll know what I mean.

The Holy Spirit and Our Brain

Tomorrow the church remembers Pentecost. We remember the Holy Spirit being sent to be our Comforter. I've been enjoying the readings in the daily Office as they have focused on the Holy Spirit. You see, I've been thinking about the Holy Spirit quite a lot any way. More specifically, I've been wondering about how the Spirit may interface with our brain. I know that sounds weird but stay with me.

Over the last several weeks, I've been learning about the brain. You see, I have a lot of interest in how our brain works and what kinds of things affect our moods, our feelings, etc. From what I understand, when a person is born the brain is the most undeveloped organ in the body. Early in life, both "nature" and "nurture" impact how our brain becomes "wired". Daniel Siegel in his book entitled The Developing Mind writes this about brain development:

The activation of neural pathways directly influences the way connections are made within the brain. Though experience shapes the activity of the brain and the strength of neuronal connections throughout life, experience early in life may be especially crucial in organizing the way the basic structures of the brain develop. For example, traumatic experiences at the beginning of life may have more profound effects on the "deeper" structures of the brain, which respond later to stress. Thus we see that abused children have elevated baseline and reactive stress hormone levels. More common, everyday experiences also shape brain structure. The brain's development is an "experience-dependent" process, in which experience activates certain pathways in the brain, strengthening existing connections and creating new ones. (page 11).

As I understand it, as one engages in life, those experiences can shape the very structure of our brains. That's the reason that someone who struggles with anxiety can't just "turn it off." No, the brain itself, the connections of the neural pathways have been wired in such a way that anxiety has become a normal part of how an anxious person's brain works. The good news is that the brain has "plasticity" and can change. The most change occurs early in life when our brains are most able to change but that plasticity doesn't end when one reaches adulthood.

So, if that's true, that means our experience of the Church, (through the community of believers, through the Eucharist, through the preaching of the Word, through the hearing of Scripture, etc.), could all somehow, coupled with the work of the Spirit, actually bring changes to our brain. That's a bit strange to think about.

I'm sure I'm greatly oversimplifying things but this entire subject fascinates me. It also gives me hope that as time goes on, my brain too can change in such a way that my anxiety and depression won't be such big deals in my life. Will I ever have a time I won't still struggle some in these areas? I have no way of knowing that. All I know is that I am slowly changing and things are getting better. I may not understand how it all works but I do know who is responsible for it. God is with me and His presence sustains me and holds my life together.

The Spirit of the Lord has filled the whole world, alleluia.
-- He sustains all creation and knows every word that is spoken, alleluia.

RLP on Depression and Medication

I've been a reader of Real Live Preacher's blog for some time. One of the best blogs out there today, in my opinion. He's written a great reflection on his experience of depression and medication. Check it out.

Also, Gordon wrote quite a bit about his depression a couple of years ago. One such blog entry can be found here.

I'm thankful that he has had the courage to write about his journey. It's encouraging to me.

Pax.

Dysthymia - I Must Be "Ill-Humored"

It's chronic, my depression, that is. Psychology gives it a fancy title by naming it dysthymia. Dysthymia comes from the Greek language and means "bad state of mind" or "ill-humor" You can also read about dysthymia here.

Because it's chronic, meaning that depression is almost always present, it makes it fairly tough to live with. I remember telling Dr. Palmer that I either feel "bad" or "really bad". "Bad" is about as good as it gets most days. Evidently, most people who struggle with dysthymia develop it early in life and it often goes untreated or undiagnosed because help is not sought. I guess that holds pretty true for me. I probably would still have been trudging along through life except for having a terrible job situation about a year ago that was so much, it finally pushed me over the edge to the point that I knew I had to get some relief and needed to find out what was going on with me. That's when I found Dr. Palmer and have been seeing him weekly since then.

I think I have a good grasp now of what helps and what doesn't. Engaging in prayer helps. This morning, in Vigils, I knew this antiphon was for me:

Let me dwell in your tent forever and hide in the shelter of your wings.

It's one of those days and that antiphon will help me get through the day.

Talking helps. My weekly therapy sessions certainly help. I think most of those who know me very well would say I'm slowly improving. I've been able to talk freely about how I feel and how I'm doing. I can't imagine not having this practice as a part of my healing.

Exercise helps. During the winter, this is more of a challenge. Exercise actually increases good hormones in the brain which in turn, help me feel better.

Writing helps. Hopefully, I don't speak of my depression too often on my blog but I've found that it helps me to write about it. I don't feel quite so alone with it. It's a way to express some of how I feel and what this is like.

Liturgy helps. I find a lot of hope and support in the Liturgy at St. Patrick's. It "holds" me and supports me. It provides what I need. I go to Jesus every week seeking healing in Him as I approach His table and am reminded this is "The Body of Christ, the bread of heaven" and "The Blood of Christ, the cup of salvation." I spend time with Jesus at His feast and that helps.

What's next? I keep moving forward, I guess. I keep doing the things that seem to help. I keep spending time with Jesus and His Church.

I guess that's it for now. I really must get ready for work! Pax.

The One Who Lifts Up My Head

But you, O Lord, are a shield about me; you are my glory, the one who lifts up my head.  (From Psalm 3.3)

The truth is, I need my head lifted today.  It seems that I struggle to stay “upbeat” and “positive.”  I don’t mean that in some “overboard happy” kind of way but just to feel positive about regular life.  That’s been harder for me lately.

I don’t guess I should be overly surprised that I continue to struggle with this.  There’s no quick fix to my own emotional world—that much I’ve figured out.  Of course, when these waves of sadness begin to wash over me, it’s much harder just to get through each day.   It makes everything harder.  Getting out of bed is harder.  Prayer is more difficult.  Interacting with people at work, church and home is tough especially when you really just want to be home, under a quilt.  Every single thing takes more effort.  For those who don’t struggle with anxiety or depression, that may be a hard thing to understand.  It’s easy for others to think you should just be able to snap out of it or think happy thoughts and all will be well.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way.

I do think I’m slowly learning how to better cope and understand my emotional world.  I understand that there are some good reasons for me to feel the way I do.  I didn’t just wake up one morning to find myself depressed and anxious.  No, those things developed over years and it’s going to take a lot of time for things to get better.

I’m also learning when I encounter certain situations those situations often exacerbate the problems I already deal with.  A difficult interaction with a co-worker, a bad day at work, or most any situation that makes me feel that I don’t “measure up” surely triggers the anxiety and it doesn’t take long for the depression to follow.  I’m learning ways to combat the anxiety and sadness but it’s still pretty darn hard on the best of days.

Today seems to be one of the “hard” days.  That means I have to work a little harder and not getting “swamped.”  I’ll stare more at my icon of The Sacred Heart of Jesus and the photo I have of Rembrandt’s Prodigal Son.  I’ll listen to more music today.  I’ll keep Psalm 3.3 in front of me.  Those things keep me from feeling so helpless. 

Of course, prayers are always appreciated.

Pax.

A Typical Day at Work

The one subject that Dr. Palmer and I have talked the most about is work and my experience of it. To be honest, I don't think hardly anyone really understands what my work experience is like. It's difficult for me to get up and report to work each day. It's not that "I'd rather stay home and be lazy today" feeling but the "I'm not sure I can make it through another day at work" feeling. For me, work is full, brimming over with anxiety and often times, depression.

I spend most days dealing with anxiety that washes over me in waves. It feels much like I'd imagine it feels like to drown. I realize that various things trigger it. You see, my emotional "radar" picks up on every sound of frustration and anger from my co-workers. If someone I work with is angry, no one has to tell me. I know it already. I knew it when they walked in the room. Somehow I know that all of this anger is going to be aimed at me. It's going to be my fault. Of course, some days aren't so bad but other days are terrible. Many days are so painful I have to grit my teeth and go into survival mode. I turn on Bach. I look at some art at my desk (icons, photos of Gethsemani, etc.) I hold my rosary. I utter a short prayer over and over. (O God come to my assistance. Lord, make haste to help me). I do whatever I can to calm myself enough to help me survive the rest of the work day. Yet, in the midst of this, my work has to be completed. The phone rings. Email arrives in my inbox. Business trips must be coordinated. Someone stops by my desk looking for help. I smile and appear calm while my insides feel like they're being torn apart. All I want to do is leave work and get under the covers at home. The worst part is feeling helpless to change any of this. I can't just leave work. I have bills to pay. People count on me. I can't tell my boss "Oh, and by the way, I feel anxious today and need to go home."

I wonder if these feelings will change? I am hopeful they will. I know I've gradually improved since I started seeing Dr. Palmer last January. He has taught me some coping mechanisms which have helped. Yet, the truth is, even on the best day, it's still exhausting. I arrive early to work and almost always leave promptly at 5 p.m. Some probably think I have other obligations to attend to but in reality, I'm so exhausted by then, I can't stand one more moment in that place. Right now, I live for evenings and weekends.

I find great comfort in these words written by Fr. Henri Nouwen who knows what it's like to struggle with depression and anxiety.

Our emotional lives move up and down constantly. Sometimes we experience great mood: swings from excitement to depression, from joy to sorrow, from inner harmony to inner chaos. A little event, a word from someone, a disappointment in work, many things can trigger such mood swings. Mostly we have little control over these changes. It seems that they happen to us rather than being created by us.

Thus it is important to know that our emotional life is not the same as our spiritual life. Our spiritual life is the life of the Spirit of God within us. As we feel our emotions shift we must connect our spirits with the Spirit of God and remind ourselves that what we feel is not who we are. We are and remain, whatever our moods, God's beloved children. (HT: Susie)

Beyond Blue

What she said.

And then, even more dangerous (in my opinion), I have intelligent, theologically-trained pastors, priests, and ministers of every denomination advising me that God alone is what I need--that if I read the Word, and lay my head on Jesus, then I can stop seeing both my psychiatrist and therapist.

Because prayer alone will be enough heal me.

In the face of such ignorance I say this, a prayer a priest friend recently taught me: "Jesus, save me from your followers." (Or, my secular version: "I'm sorry. My fault. I forgot you were an idiot.")

I think that about sums it up. Peace.