Bryan Sherwood

O God Come to My Assistance . . .

The last couple of weeks have been . . . challenging.  School this term has been more difficult than ever.  I seem to be having trouble learning all this new material at the rate it's being given.  It's much like drinking from a fire hose.  I'm sure you can relate.

Of course, life marches on.  Although my new job is wonderful, it requires me to be fully engaged and is pretty tiring for an introvert like me.  It's easy for me to feel pretty overwhelmed with work, school, and life.  I debated tonight about whether I should teach my class at 2 p.m. at church and then leave after it was over to give me more time to study and prepare for my 9 p.m. grad school class meeting.  I chose not to do that but instead stayed for Mass.  I think that was the right choice but it was difficult to clear my mind from all these pressures to focus on the liturgy.  Anyone who knows what it's like to be anxious can understand how all these "pressures" in life spike my own anxiousness to levels that are painful.

I've learned it's a short trip from anxiety to depression.  After all, these guys are related, so to speak.  I've figured out that anxiety drives my depression.  When life moves so fast that I feel unable to keep up, it's easy for me to get really anxious about all that I've not been able to do and yet must be done.  Once the waves of anxiety start crashing in, I begin to feel rather helpless and find myself in a downward spiral toward darkness.  That's not a good place to be.

I don't recommend any of the above.  :-)  Yet, it's very much a part of my life.  And so I continue to pray  "O God come to my assistance."  He doesn't leave me alone and somehow, I'm able to go on.

More Thoughts on the Jesus Prayer

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

I've been reading a book on Abraham Lincoln called Lincoln's Melancholy.  It's been an interesting book as it describes Lincoln's own battle with depression, or as it was called back in his day, "melancholy."  The treatments of the day were pretty terrible:  bleeding, puking, purging and dunking in ice water, to name a few.  I guess the idea was to purge the body of whatever substance was causing the depression.  Of course, people were far off worse with the "treatment" than they would have been without.  In some funny way, this got me to thinking about the Jesus Prayer and depression. 

I realize there isn't a way to measure this but I wonder what the effect of saying the Jesus Prayer would be over a course of months or years?  What kind of deep healing would one receive?  Of course, I'm not advocating some kind of "magic" from saying this particular phrase.  Instead, I have to believe that opening one's heart to Jesus over and over will bring great healing.

What say ye?

Saying The Jesus Prayer

Healing Prayer Inspired by The Jesus Prayer

The Jesus Prayer:  An Annotated Bibliography and Internet Resources

Walking Barefoot on Broken Glass

I mentioned earlier that this month's Christianity Today has a couple of articles on depression.  I thought Kathryn Greene-McCreight described this illness well.  She wrote:

Depression is not just sadness or sorrow.  Depression is not just negative thinking.  Depression is not just being "down."  It's walking barefoot on broken glass; the weight of one's body grinds the glass in further with every movement.  So, the weight of my very existence grinds the shards of grief deeper into my soul.  When I am depressed, every thought, every breath, every conscious moment hurts.  (Greene-McCreight, 2009).

I'm not sure people really get that.  Many think those with depression should "just cheer up!  Stop being so negative.  Just think good thoughts!"  Well, it doesn't quite work that way.  If you have a friend or relative suffering with depression, please don't offer platitudes.  As you can infer from the above quote, it's really much more complex than that.  Platitudes don't help.

Pax.

Greene-McCreight (2009 March).  Light when all is dark.  Christianity Today, 53(3), 30-31).

The Depression Epidemic

I just received my latest issue of Christianity Today.  Guess what this month's cover story is about?  Can you say DEPRESSION!   Yep, this month's CT has several articles about depression and entitled their cover story The Depression Epidemic.  To be honest, I'm glad to see a Christian magazine writing about depression.  At least someone is talking about it. 

I think many Christians would be surprised to know of the number of people in their local church who either are depressed, have dealt with depression or will deal with depression.  It's no small problem.

Speaking of depression, I've been reading a couple of Lutheran pastors' blogs as they write about their own struggles with depression.  It's interesting stuff.  I'm thankful for them sharing in a public space about what living with depression is like.  Check out their blogs:

• Know Thyself
• I Trust When Dark My Road

Perhaps Lent would serve as a good time to pray for those who are suffering with depression and other kinds of mental illness?

Pax.

Depression and the New Year

2008 wasn't an easy year.  Actually, the last couple of years have been pretty rough.  And so, like many of us, as the new year begins, I wonder what it will be like.  Will it be better?  Worse?  Less painful?  More painful?  Of course, these are all questions I have no way of answering.  

The black dog is on my mind as the new year starts.  The "black dog" is how Winston Churchill referred to his depression.  I know that common sense tells me that I will likely struggle with depression again this  year.  If you know me well or have followed my blog very often, you know that the black dog has been haunting me for some time.  There is no doubt that a couple of years ago, things were much worse with me.  Today, life isn't quite so difficult to live.  I still have bad days but somehow they don't tend to stick around very long and they don't send me into crisis mode as easily or as often.  I'm thankful for the progress I've made and for the ways  God has worked through others to bring some healing to my life.

Sometimes I worry that I'll find myself in the same place I was a couple of years ago again.  I don't want to go back there.  Not ever.  And so as the new year begins, I feel a bit anxious about me.  Unfortunately, I understand Abraham Lincoln's statement when talking about his own depression said, "I am now the most miserable man living."  If you've felt that way, you know what I'm talking about.  It's not a good place to find yourself.

I am better prepared now to deal with the black dog though.  I continue to learn from the monastic tradition.  I am strengthened by the sacraments.  I regularly pray and find times to be silent.  I share my life with others.  Bit by bit, God does his work.  And so I have to trust him again as this new year begins. 

He Lightens My Darkness

This past week has been difficult (emphasis on difficult). What happened? Good question. I think a bunch of smaller things snowballed into what seemed to be one huge thing. It knocked me off level just a bit. Starting about midweek, the darkness that I battle was back and back with a vengeance. Not exactly surprising but certainly not good news. I made it through the work day Wednesday, somehow. Thursday was just out of the question. I got up, showered and realized that I felt terrible and just couldn’t go into work and pretend everything was happy, happy, happy when it wasn’t – at least I wasn’t. 

I “discovered” Psalm 18.28 on Wednesday. You see, I keep a list of Psalms in the back of my prayer book that I turn to when the going gets tough. It wasn’t long until I came to Psalm 18. I know I’ve prayed this Psalm before but I don’t remember verse 28: 

For it is you who light my lamp; the LORD my God lightens my darkness. 

I was immediately drawn to that verse. It spoke to me and I stayed with it. What’s more interesting is a friend of mine told me he would pray for me and would be “holding me in the light.” Yeah, I don’t think there’s any question that the Spirit was going before me during this challenging time and bringing these things together. I needed reassurance and there it was: the Lord my God lightens my darkness. 

Are things better? Yes and no. I still feel pretty “down” but not as much as I did on Wednesday and Thursday. After talking to someone I trust about this, he encouraged me to get more sleep and to take today off from school work. It was good advice. I took it. 

Tomorrow I need to study and get back in the groove. I’m guessing that won’t be an easy task. Besides studying, I’ll be spending time with our Priory, share a meal together, pray the office and talk about our covenanted life together. I’ll show up at Saint Patrick’s Church and listen to the Word and gather at the Table. As I approach Fr. Peter with hands outstretched to receive the body of Christ, I’ll be thinking about the Light of the world who takes away my darkness. Pax.

Spiritual Depression

Check out Michael Spencer's newest podcast on Depression and Spiritual Depression.  Definitely worth listening to!

On Depression

I've thought about writing this post for several months.  Since I was diagnosed with depression and started speaking about it publicly, I soon realized that it can become the pink elephant in the room.  Many times people just don't know what to say or how to react to those who are struggling with depression.  Here I give a few thoughts that come from my personal experience.  Perhaps they hold true for others as well.

Depressed people aren't just having a "bad" day. Many people think that someone who says they are depressed means that they're simply having an off day emotionally.  No, that's not it.  Depression doesn't come and go that rapidly.  In the midst of depression, one can hardly get through the day.  Some simply can't find the energy to get out of bed.  Depression is much more serious and long lasting than a typical bad day would be.  It's a serious matter.  For example, did you know that almost 15 million Americans are affected by depression each year?  Here are a few more statistics that may surprise you:

• Of the 30,000 reported suicides in the U.S. each year, depression accounts for over 20,000 deaths.
• Depression is one of the top three workplace problems for employees. 
• Although depression can occur at any age, age 32 is the median age of onset. 
• Approximately six million elderly people are affected by depression. 
• The number one risk for suicides among youth is untreated depression.   

Depression has been and continues to be a serious illness that should not be ignored.

Depressed people aren't looking for pity. If you're a friend that I trust enough to tell you that I'm in a bad emotional place, the very last thing I'm looking for is pity. Instead, I'd prefer a listening ear. I would wager that churches have numerous people sitting in the church pews who are depressed and who feel quite isolated and alone with their struggle.  Feeling as though you must be alone with depression is perhaps the hardest and most difficult part.

Depression isn't solved with platitudes. If you have a friend or family member who is dealing with depression, please be aware of what you say.  Be careful not to spout off some platitude like "Oh, you're just having a tough week, things will be better next week." Or "Just pray about it more and God will take this away from you" or "We all have bad days." Platitudes aren't helpful. 

Depressed people may appear fairly normal on the "outside." This is one area I know about because I'm quite the expert. I never look shaken at work. I never appear sad in public. I can even laugh and tell a few jokes. I learned to do that a long time ago. Somehow, I believed if I were just to act okay, everything would feel okay. That doesn't really work and you can only keep up the façade for so long. I hit a wall in January of 2007. I could no longer pretend everything was okay. My insides felt like they were going to explode. I had no idea I was depressed or anxious until after doing some Google searches on the Internet one night.  All the while, I appeared fairly normal to those around me.

Depression strikes many people, including Christians. It seems that many in the Church incorrectly believe that if a person is REALLY a Christian, they won't struggle with depression or other forms of mental illness. After all, the old has gone and the new has come, right? As I mentioned before, many Christians are depressed and the very last thing they need communicated to them is that they're somehow second rate Christians. That very idea makes me want to become violent. Trust me, I will hit you with my Bible if you say such a thing. 

Don't expect quick fixes. I know in my case, it's not been a quick fix. Therapy helps. Friends help. Medication helps. Prayer certainly helps. BUT, that doesn't mean that I'll feel great in a few months and never have any more struggles with depression or anxiety. That's not too likely. At the very best, I'll probably always have "tender" places in my soul that will send all kinds of emotions rolling up when I encounter certain situations.

So, there ya go.  A few thoughts on depression that you may find helpful.  If you find yourself with a friend or family member struggling with major depressive disorder, don't be hesitant to ask how they are getting along.  It's nice to know someone else cares.

Pax.

How Can I Keep From Singing Your Praise

This song has come to mean a lot to me recently. The days when I feel pretty "down", it helps to listen to this old hymn from the 1800s. It's got a lot of great reminders in it I need to hear. I particularly like these lyrics:

. . . And though the storms may come
I am holding on
To the rock I cling . . .

. . . I will lift my eyes
In the darkest night
For I know my Savior lives . . .

. . . And I will walk with You
Knowing You'll see me through
And sing the songs You give . . .

Take a listen and I think you'll know what I mean.

The Holy Spirit and Our Brain

Tomorrow the church remembers Pentecost. We remember the Holy Spirit being sent to be our Comforter. I've been enjoying the readings in the daily Office as they have focused on the Holy Spirit. You see, I've been thinking about the Holy Spirit quite a lot any way. More specifically, I've been wondering about how the Spirit may interface with our brain. I know that sounds weird but stay with me.

Over the last several weeks, I've been learning about the brain. You see, I have a lot of interest in how our brain works and what kinds of things affect our moods, our feelings, etc. From what I understand, when a person is born the brain is the most undeveloped organ in the body. Early in life, both "nature" and "nurture" impact how our brain becomes "wired". Daniel Siegel in his book entitled The Developing Mind writes this about brain development:

The activation of neural pathways directly influences the way connections are made within the brain. Though experience shapes the activity of the brain and the strength of neuronal connections throughout life, experience early in life may be especially crucial in organizing the way the basic structures of the brain develop. For example, traumatic experiences at the beginning of life may have more profound effects on the "deeper" structures of the brain, which respond later to stress. Thus we see that abused children have elevated baseline and reactive stress hormone levels. More common, everyday experiences also shape brain structure. The brain's development is an "experience-dependent" process, in which experience activates certain pathways in the brain, strengthening existing connections and creating new ones. (page 11).

As I understand it, as one engages in life, those experiences can shape the very structure of our brains. That's the reason that someone who struggles with anxiety can't just "turn it off." No, the brain itself, the connections of the neural pathways have been wired in such a way that anxiety has become a normal part of how an anxious person's brain works. The good news is that the brain has "plasticity" and can change. The most change occurs early in life when our brains are most able to change but that plasticity doesn't end when one reaches adulthood.

So, if that's true, that means our experience of the Church, (through the community of believers, through the Eucharist, through the preaching of the Word, through the hearing of Scripture, etc.), could all somehow, coupled with the work of the Spirit, actually bring changes to our brain. That's a bit strange to think about.

I'm sure I'm greatly oversimplifying things but this entire subject fascinates me. It also gives me hope that as time goes on, my brain too can change in such a way that my anxiety and depression won't be such big deals in my life. Will I ever have a time I won't still struggle some in these areas? I have no way of knowing that. All I know is that I am slowly changing and things are getting better. I may not understand how it all works but I do know who is responsible for it. God is with me and His presence sustains me and holds my life together.

The Spirit of the Lord has filled the whole world, alleluia.
-- He sustains all creation and knows every word that is spoken, alleluia.